The Ex-Files: Unhappy new separation? Jeremy Sutton’s top tips for making the split easier

COMMENT:

The New Year is a common time for separation. While issues might arise in a relationship during the year, it is often after Christmas that people take the first step toward separating.

This is
a difficult time for everyone involved, emotionally and often financially, as couples work through the challenges of separating and starting a new life without their partner.

Here are my tips to make separation a little easier.

Planning

The process of separation is a huge decision. It is important that you talk it over for many months to consider whether it is the right thing.

This includes talking to friends and family and discussing with professionals including your GP and a counsellor or psychologist.

For most of my clients, the decision whether to separate or not takes six to nine months.

You also need to consider whether your feelings of separation are recent or ongoing. What motivates your decision? When did you have your last holiday together? Most people are capable of working things out together.

Write it down

I would encourage people to keep a diary during these stressful times. This will help people put everything in context and truly describe their feelings. Write down the main assets and liabilities and the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship.

Sleep and exercise

It is really crucial that when making these important decisions you are in the right frame of mind.

If you’re not sleeping well, then I encourage you to see your local GP. Until you are in the right frame of mind then I wouldn’t be making any important decisions.

Most people find some regular exercise helpful during these times. If you say you don’t have time for exercise, I suggest you may need to rearrange your schedule.

Get support

Separation is usually very stressful, and you’ll need lots of support around you.

Talk to a trusted friend or family member about what you are going through. It’s also worth considering counselling. Many employers now have well-being programs and pay for their employees to have a few sessions with a trained counsellor.

The sessions are confidential and often people find even a couple of sessions to be beneficial.

Minimise stress

Avoid anything that will put extra pressure on you. This may not be the best time to make big changes in other areas of your life, like starting a business or taking on a new role.

Look after your physical health too. Get more sleep and exercise, drink less alcohol.

Don’t move out

If you’re still living together, try to stay in the house together while you’re sorting out your relationship property or care arrangements for your children.

In my experience the relationship is more amicable while couples are still co-habiting.

Once you’re living apart, people start to move on with their lives, which can create new issues. It can be a strain financially too as many living expenses are doubled.

However, if living together is intolerable to your physical or mental wellbeing, then moving out may be the best thing for you.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

Focus on the big things: your children, your living arrangements and the larger items of relationship property. Don’t worry about the smaller chattels at this stage.

Be careful using social media

Try and keep social media postings to a minimum. In fact, I often suggest that clients cease posting during a separation.

It will not help for your ex-partner to see or hear about all the fun you are having without them.

If you post negative things towards the other party on social media, for example about cheating, it becomes public and will not help you.

Try to stay on good terms with your partner. This is a big one and is often easier said than done.

Emotions run high and people are not always reasonable. But if you can, try to maintain a good relationship.

This will enable a faster settlement, with less lawyer involvement and less expense. You’ll be better off in the long run.

Conclusion

Separating can be a sad and difficult process. Make sure you have a good support network around you and keep on good terms with your partner.

The more peacefully you can work through your separation together, the more quickly you can move on with your new lives.

People regret making decisions very quickly without considering the context. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

• Jeremy Sutton is a senior family lawyer, specialising in divorce cases where there are significant assets, including family trusts and complex business structures.